Don’t waste your time!

Snakes on a Plane

Year: 2006
Directed By: David R. Ellis
Written By: 3 credits for people I will spare the embarrassment of having penned this story/screenplay

RYAN’S REVIEW

Yeah, there is a copy of this gloriously ridiculous film sitting on the shelf of the collection I take such pride in. I would normally never give the time of day to such a film, but this one features Samuel L. Jackson. In 2006 I would have watched absolutely anything Jackson was in and this movie serves as evidence of such. This movie has sat on the shelf for ten years now and hasn’t gotten any better over time. I would look at its place on the shelf with shame if there wasn’t at least some humor to be taken out of this.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say I liked this movie but as a long time fan of Samuel L Jackson I just had to own the movie where he dropped that silly line. “I’ve had it with these motherfuckin snakes on this motherfuckin plane!!!” That’s right up there with that scene in Deep Blue Sea when he is eaten midway through a compelling speech about pulling together to survive. In truth Jackson is barely even acting in this movie and obviously just going through the motions and cashing an easy paycheck. Still, he always gets his moment.

I’m not going to go too deep into this one because it isn’t worth any more of my time than it is any of yours. It’s a glowing example at just how much I liked Jackson 10 years ago. Not to say I’m not still a fan but at this point I’m not going to sit through a snaky version of Sharknado simply because he is in it. I think I can honestly say having watched this movie to write this review that I have officially seen it for the last time, and I’m OK with that.

NEXT MOVIE: Sommersby (1993)

Interstellar

Amber and I don’t get out to the theater that much these days. Life with two full time jobs and two rapidly growing children leaves us with little time for such a luxury. It requires the movies chosen to watch to come with a lot of confidence that it will be worth seeing in the atmosphere that has become such a rare chance. Amber surprised me last week with tickets to Interstellar and I was thrilled. I had even told people recently that it there was a movie worth us making to trip to the theater to see it was that one. Christopher Nolan’s newest had all my confidence that it would be incredible and mind blowing. I knew little of what to expect and appreciated that all the more. After such films like Memento and Inception I was certain that this movie was going to be a window into the future of films. Something that would be visually stunning and exciting in ways I could never have imagined.

Ladies and gentlemen, I was wrong. I walked away bewildered and confused as I checked the IMDB rating and saw a high rating of 9.0 out of 10. What did these people watch? I was walking to my car feeling like I had just watched a three hour Lincoln commercial. This movie bored me out of my mind. I specifically feel like it was nothing but a lot of monologues, a lot of crying, and an extremely long running time devoid of any excitement. I actually spent the last 15-20 minutes begging Amber for us to just get up and leave. At a certain point I was just so disappointed I didn’t care how it ended and had no interest in waiting to find out. Unfortunately I suffered through that ending that did nothing to change my already established opinion.

I think the biggest problem with this film is the story. I can appreciate that it was merely a platform to showcase the possibilities of certain scientific advancements but that isn’t good enough. They weren’t amazing enough to compensate for how everything unfolded. I think the biggest problem is how Matthew McConaughey comes to pilot the NASA mission. After a really long set up he figures out some coordinates by looking at the bookshelf and deciphering the code left on the wall from fallen books. OK, I could stick with them through that. Despite how strange that it is it doesn’t compare to how stupid it is when he is arrested at the super secret NASA facility before they more or less say “hey since you are here, can you be out last hope to save mankind?” Did the super secret NASA people not have an actual plan in place to the point they’ll just put everything in the hands of the guy that unknowingly showed up at the gate unannounced? Weak, and frankly I expect better from the Nolan team.

Another big problem I had is the role of Matt Damon. Does he qualify as the antagonist of the film? I think the character wasn’t really that bad of an idea but weak if that is all you are going to offer the audience. Here I was waiting for something to finally happen in the movie and when he makes his move I felt like he was just getting in the way of something that should be getting a lot better any moment now. When the realization that he was all that was going to happen actually donned on me I was so disappointed.

Now, another thing I just can’t deal with. I am no physicist and only vaguely familiar with science in general, but can it really be possible to convey advanced physics by way of Morse Code on a wrist watch? When his daughter figures everything out so quickly I just wanted to throw my hands up in disgust because it was all just so stupid. The new undiscovered fifth dimension being love made me want to scratch my eyes out. It immediately made the whole thing even worse than I felt like it had already been. Who knows? I get the idea that the whole thing hinges on technology and understanding that we haven’t yet acquired but it does nothing to make me hate the movie any less.

I do hate it too. I can find no other emotion for something that amounts to such a complete and utter disappointment. Christopher Nolan you let me down, I still believe in you but I consider this far and away your worst film. I think the robots were cool but that is the only good thing I can say about this movie. When I saw the trailer and the scene in which waves are mistaken for mountains I was so hopeful. I thought it was a glimpse of the possibilities and couldn’t wait to see what else was in store. The imaginative nature of the idea that on another planet waves might behave in ways we would never consider seemed like a taste of more to come. It wasn’t. I couldn’t even appreciate that scene because I was so excited about what else lay beyond that hadn’t been glimpsed in the trailer.

If you watched this movie and loved it please explain to me why. I was just so utterly bored and disappointed that maybe my opinion is overly negative at the moment. If this wasn’t an incredibly boring movie in which little actually happens tell me I need to see it again. I will need strong encouragement to ever try to get through this again. If you are on the fence about seeing it I would suggest you jump to the “No” side and spare yourself the loss of ignorance. If you don’t know how boring it is you can’t feel the disappointment I personally felt. If not then seek another opinion or make your argument by leaving a comment.

Jack Reacher

I usually review Tom Cruise movies and go on and on about how much I despise him but how good he is as an actor.  I usually really like his movies despite what I think about him but last night we watched Jack Reacher. We were looking for something to watch and I suggested it to Amber, the conversation went like this:

“What’s it about?”

“It’s another Tom Cruise super spy movie” (Not necessarily true but close enough right?)

“Sure, why not.”

Having now suffered through two hours of this movie I can report that it was a swing and a miss for Cruise.  I thought this movie was ridiculous from beginning to end and wish I could get back the time and money I spent to see it. I figured if he was playing this type of character again there had to be something that he saw in it to make it worth wild.  Cruise usually chooses his films carefully and doesn’t make too many mistakes in those choices but he really dropped the ball this time around.

Here’s an open ended message specifically to Tom Cruise.  “When the woman asks you to put your shirt on just get over yourself and put a freaking shirt on man!” I thought that scene was particularly ridiculous.  Who is this guy trying to impress with his aging fitness? Yeah we get it Tom; you don’t age and are bold enough to go shirtless when no one else your age will dare to do so but nobody is impressed anymore. Maybe he is just milking the last of his youthful appearance before it is gone, I don’t know.  The guy really can’t keep up this look for much longer though, white people simply aren’t that fortunate when it comes to aging and he is past 50 now.  Sooner or later he will get wrinkles that not even his cult voodoo or Botox will fix and maybe then we won’t be accosted by his freakishly unnatural and weird looking build anymore.

I thought this whole movie was a bit much and I thought Tom Cruise was trying too hard to be the cool and witty action star that he usually pulls off with ease.  I was at my wits end by the end of the movie though.  That climax is ridiculous.  Cruise gets the drop on the badass he has been chasing the whole movie then stares him down for a moment in the rain before throwing his gun away.  I just found this to be a bit too stupid.  Yeah the fight scene makes for a better movie in which not enough happened but it’s just so campy how it all happens.  He has this guy dead to rights and his options are all open.  He can kill him easily, arrest him, or even just wing him and go on to the big boss but noooo Cruise has to have his moment as a badass.  Ignoring all practical decisions he throws his gun away and decided to just fist fight with the evil henchman, in the rain. Rain during a fight scene is just such a cliché effect in movies like this now and at this point in the film I felt the stupidity was just piling on.  Cruise beats the hell out of the bad guy, go figure, and at that point I just flat out didn’t care what happened anymore.

This was a really stupid movie, and that pretty much sums it up.  If you happened to like it then by all means make your argument with a comment and convince me I am wrong. If you haven’t seen it yet then take my advice and save yourself the time and money that will just be wasted.  There are a couple of cool fight scenes in the movie and a relatively good car chase scene but otherwise you won’t be missing much.

Weird Science

Year: 1985
Directed By: John Hughes
Written By: John Hughes

RYAN’S REVIEW

One of my favorite things to do over the past ten years was stroll around the movie sections of stores and find older movies that I just had to have in our collection.  I have always been a specific shopper when it comes to this, I don’t buy just anything I buy the movies that were significant in one way or another.  Either they were significant to me personally or they were just a great movie that was worth owning.  These days when I stroll through the movie aisles in stores I only find myself walking away disappointed.  First of all, the sections stores reserve for movies are shrinking at a regular rate as demand for DVDs and even Blu-rays are dropping all the time.  Secondly, it’s just such a challenge these days to even find a movie I want.  At this point I own nearly every movie I ever loved and all the new releases are much too expensive to purchase when they are first released and for several months after.  I’m saying all this to simply explain how this movie came into my possession. I was reaching, that’s all it really amounts to.  I just really wanted to buy a movie and remembered this one well enough to pick it up for a cheap price.  To say it simply, this was a swing and a miss.  I bought this movie and it’s mine now but if I could go back in time I would simply keep my five bucks, this was not even close to worth that.

When I first saw this movie I was in high school and I think that is why I remembered it fondly.  The idea of creating a woman that will look incredible and do anything and everything you want is an idea that appeals to any teenage boy whether you have succeeded in getting any or not.  Does anything matter more to a teenage boy than trying to score with a chick? It’s something that dominates the mind of us of all through that rough stretch of adolescents where it seems like something that is all but impossible to achieve.  I watched this movie then and thought it was awesome and also watched the TV show with the smoking hot Vanessa Angel and thought that was awesome too.  Having had an opportunity to revisit this movie now, all I can say is that my thoughts and feelings about the film were far too influenced by the raging and uncontrollable hormones that hit young men in their mid to late teens.

I wasted a night of my life watching this movie again and I will never get that time back.  I feel compelled to apologize to my wife for making her sit through the beginning, even though she slept through most of it.  This movie is not good; it’s not even on a level below good.  It’s stupid, plain and simple.  The movie doesn’t even seem to have any direction as it progresses.  It goes from bad to pointless to simply being a complete and utter waste of time. Of course it is harder to watch a movie like this today given that we know computers don’t have the capability of creating supermodel looking women or anything animate at all for that matter.  The thoughts and feelings of these teenage boys and the problems they have may be timeless and something any generation can relate to but that isn’t enough.  This is a ridiculous movie and there is nothing in it that can make it worth any of your time.

John Hughes made many great movies throughout his career but this was not one of them.  It is funny to see a really young Robert Downey Jr. in the film with a crazy hair style that can only belong to the 80s but you can just Google a picture of that and save yourself some time.  Anthony Michael Hall is one of our main characters again doing another movie with his biggest supporter in Hughes.  Kelly LeBrock looks great but having spent a lot of time growing up watching Vanessa Angel play the same role I don’t think much of LeBrock. Bill Paxton is only worth mentioning because he is turned into a giant pile of shit but this is probably a movie he doesn’t include in his resumé.

So let me do you a favor and spare you the time you yourself could waste on this movie, it’s not worth it.  I am literally feeling a lot of guilt because I talked my wife into watching it with me.  In any marriage you can’t afford for things to go this wrong when you persuade your spouse to do something they aren’t really interested in.  All it does is give all the leverage to them and make it harder the next time you try to talk them into something later on down the road.  Damn you Weird Science! My wife will win the next argument over what movie we will watch and it’s all because I was stupid enough to think there was something to this one.  Cool song, but nothing else to speak of with this one.

Movies Not to Watch

Godsend

Year: 2004
Directed By: Nick Hamm
Written By: Mark Bomback

I started this movie without any knowledge of the plot; I didn’t even read the summary on the back of the DVD case. I was quickly put off when I saw that it was about a child that was killed. I am a parent of two and that is a story line that makes us all uncomfortable. However I stuck with it and soon found myself interested in the “Pet Cemetery-like” story. That soon passed as the story more and more reminded me of a number of others I had encountered before. Then as the movie progressed it seemed to have no real direction one way or another. It got weirder and weirder, and not in a good way. When I finished the film I looked it up on IMDB.com and saw that it had a rating of only 4.7. That seems appropriate but it may have been a bit too generous.

I read that Robert De Niro‘s role was originally only supposed to be a cameo. When De Niro showed some interest the director expanded his role and shot a few more scenes with him. De Niro later said he regretted the decision because his name was heavily associated with the film in an effort to advertise it. It seems even he recognized how bad the movie was, but sometimes an actor just needs to get paid. This movie wasn’t bad for any lack of effort on De Niro’s part, but he never should have taken the role. Greg Kinnear also does a good job acting but he too should have thought better of taking the role. I don’t think a lot of lead roles pass across his agent’s desk so he has to take what he gets and I understand that. Kinnear is a good actor though, and I have liked many of his roles. I will say that Cameron Bright was a good choice for his part. I think I said as much in our review of The Butterfly Effect, but that kid creeps the hell out of me. Even when he is being sweet little pre-death Adam he creeps the hell out of me. That kid has an evilness in his eyes if I have ever seen any that did. I don’t think Rebecca Romijn was anything special but she didn’t have to be. She is one of those actresses who don’t have to be exceptional to get parts. She has always gotten by on her looks; life seems easy for women like her.

This movie may have had a good cast, but the greatest cast in the world couldn’t have salvaged it. I think the story was an awfully crafted combination of other ideas. Occasionally I’ll accept that out of a film, but not in this case. A co-worker that I consider a friend let me borrow this movie and I respect her opinion but I have to disagree with her choice as far as this one goes. This movie is not worth your time and I suggest you don’t waste any with it.

Movies Not To Watch

Splice (2009)

It has been a while since we have seen this movie. We watched it shortly after it came out on video and that was months before we started this blog.  I have done my best to forget this movie up until now.  Someone I work with watched it this past week and when she mentioned it all the painful memories came flooding back.  I will say this about the film, I thought it was scary. I am a fan of both Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley, and their performances were not bad.  However this movie goes quickly from scary to creepy and then straight into disturbingly weird.  Too weird if you ask me. I think most of the film is understandable up until a certain point where Adrien Brody make an unusual decision.  If you have seen the film you know what I am talking about and if you haven’t seen the film I strongly suggest you don’t try to find out.  Everything that happens from that point on just gets weirder and stranger then ultimately unsettling. Their efforts to set up a sequel storyline frankly made me more than uncomfortable.

This is a movie I spent a while warning people against after I saw it and having been reminded of it this week wanted to give you the same warning. Avoid this film at all cost or be prepared for scenes you might not be able to forget. I have yet to find anyone that actually liked this film but if you are out there feel free to argue your case.  I will not be seeing any sequel if one is in fact made, and hopefully I never come across this disturbing film again.

Movies Not To Watch

THE HANGOVER 2

It has taken us this long but we are finally watching this movie.  It wasn’t by chance that we have waited this long, we might have never watched it at all if not for a sudden impulse today. This past summer before the movie was released I posted some thoughts about it when reviewing American Pie 2. I think my thoughts were pretty accurate about the movie except for the fact that I thought this movie would actually be funny. Not only is it not funny but it is worse than I could have ever imagined. This movie is awful, really really awful.  It’s a much dirtier version of an already dirty movie, and I just don’t think that was necessary. It’s funny because in the opening credits there are three people credited with “written by”, but it should have been “recycled by.” This movie is barely even a sequel, it’s simply the same thing on the other side of the world. I am so sick of hearing them tell everyone they don’t know anything, it’s so redundant.  The Ed Helms character even sings a song again, despite having gotten a tattoo on his face and been fucked in the ass by a tranny prostitute (they really went too far with that, it was a bit much and not funny).
This is what happens when the movie studio rushes something out just to make the money.  They are trying to do something similar with Bridesmaids but Kristen Wiig has resisted the idea and obviously for good reason.  This movie was very successful just like it’s predecessor and I know several people who have said it is hilarious. I warn you to take their advice with caution! This movie is a waste of your time and money!  They could have remade this movie and had everything the same yet been different, they could have invested some creativity into the story.  The first film was really funny and there was plenty to build on, it’s pathetic how lazy filmmakers can be sometimes.
I’m sure plenty of people out there will disagree with me, but I think this is one of the worst movies I have seen in a long time.  There is already talk of a third film but I shudder to think what they might do a third time around and I loathe the thought of these idiots having a third blackout.  This movie is stupid and I am disappointed to have wasted an evening with it.

UPDATE: One statement from this post has kind of needled at me all week since posting this review.  I usually try to avoid getting too profane in any post, for the obvious reason being I have no clue who might be reading these posts. I don’t think this is really an appropriate setting for profanity and I don’t feel right about publishing a post with such a vulgar statement in it.  I know that I could remove it now but instead would like to apologize to anyone who might be offended and leave it as a testament to how bad this movie was.  It was more than bad, it was beyond horrible. It was such a waste of time I found myself angry enough to use language I would otherwise reserve for more appropriate situations.
Also, more specifically, if my statement bothered you then for the love of all things sacred in the world do not ever see this film.